YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!! ~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire billy joel: shit

What do you call an earl grey that likes role play? Not-tea

I just saw Toy Story in 3D… The guy in 4D asked me to take off my hat.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

Yes it was my birthday. I’m going to start lying about my age, but say I’m older so people say how good I look for 47.

What do a Catholic Priest and McDonald’s have in common? Both like to stick their meat in 10 year old buns.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.” So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Guy comes home and says to his wife, “Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!” She jumps for joy and asks, “Where are we going?!?” He says, “I’m not going anywhere. You’re outta here!”