My wife was struggling to open the freezer In the end she gave up, and froze to death.

I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’

What do vampires put at the bottom of their e-mails? Best viscious.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? You breathe through *that*?

Why did the butcher die ? Because he chopped off the wrong sausage.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences *Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin’ 100 times on Batpaper*

What do you get when you mix a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist? Someone who shows up to your door for no reason.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo. Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

The REAL 5 second rule? If you can get to it before the dog, it’s yours.

Why is a horny walrus the same as a Tupperware enthusiast? They’re both looking for a tight seal