I believe, if you’re in Special Ed, and you’re late to class… …it’s politically incorrect to say you’re tardy.

I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus? ME: No COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier ME: Thanks COP: Why is it wet? ME: Um COP: And holding 8 guns?

Why did Jesus run off the airplane? He didn’t like the Pilate

Why couldn’t the life guard save the drowning hippie? Because he was too far out man.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they’re sending their turkey to the White House!

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So that they can get closer to the sink.

Lara Rabbit: Do you think that’s Sophie’s natural color? Zara Rabbit: Only her hare dresser knows for sure.

How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries.

My girlfriend just made a peepeeAND a poppy at the same time Should I break up with her?