I bought my cat a box of wine… The selfish rascal only wanted to play with the box! Also, it turns out I have a serious drinking problem and no cat.

What do you call a Mexican baptism? Bean dip!

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

I’m really impressed by both Kim Kardashian and Caitlyn Jenner… Both women got famous by making a dick disappear.

*First Date Her: Why are we at Home Depot? Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

You hear about these Islamic balloons? … they blow themselves up.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

What would you get if you crossed a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!

Haha Whats is a house without ears : anwser:homtydumty:}

I love the concept of karma. It means all the people I’ve been fucking over and mistreating must of had it coming.