My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me. “It’s not you,” he said, looking around. “It’s them.”

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

Unscramble these words Unscramble these words ! 1) PENSI 2) HITLRE 3) NIGGRE 4) BUTTSXE DO YOU GET SPINE,LITHER,GINGER AND SUBTEXT ?

The Phantom Menace is easily the best Star Wars installment Jar Jar Binks is the best character.

If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.

DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.

I came up with a shoe company that specializes in selling oversize shoes Which is no small feat

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

Me: grandma have you ever tried Five Guys? Grandma: at once?! *in case you don’t know, Five Guys is a burger joint*

I told my SO that now Movember is over they should shave their mustache. She didn’t take it very well.