I got hit in the head with a can of soda today I’m lucky though it was a soft drink

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

What type of wood is the most expensive? Hollywood! (Made this up while i was doing a project.)

Half of men in America watch porn everyday. The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.

I can finally scratch “murdering an anonymous vagrant” off my bucket list. I didn’t do it, it just doesn’t seem all that appealing anymore I guess.

How is the Battle for Hogwarts like a Black Friday sale? Weasley twins are 50% off

Did you hear Snow White got thrown out of Disney Land? They caught her sitting on Pinocchio’s Face yelling “Lie you little fucker

I used to think no one cared what I have to say. Then I joined reddit Now I know it’s true.

3 logicians walk into a bar the bartender says “do you all want beer?” the first logician says “I’m not sure” the second logician says “I’m not sure” the third logician says “Jul 16”

Oscar Pistorius should be banned from the Olympics …because he smoked Reeva