A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar… He orders a drink.

“YOL9” -cats

this is stick *dog wags tail* this is branch. its made of sticks *tail wags faster* this is tree. it makes sticks *dog helicopters into sky*

Think the person who invented dog food knew they came up with dog food? “What do you think of my new dish?” “I think dogs would love it.”

I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don’t think dogs can truly consent to marriage.

I think I just had my first orgasm? I was shaking and my legs were shaking and everything. Then I just realized that wasn’t a orgasm, “THAT WAS A EARTHQUAKE!” :'(

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

GENIE: you have three wishes ME: make math go away GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house ME: oh so I still get three wishes? GENIE: huh?

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.

Have you heard the joke about the bed? No. It hasn’t been made up yet!