Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.

Overheard a dude say he wished there was a female version of Viagra. I guess his girlfriend has a really flaccid penis.

what did Cindarella say when she got to the ball? {choking noises}

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Everyone says soda is bad for you… but OJ will kill you.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? to get to the same side.

Why did they name golf golf? Because fuck was already taken.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

When Russians visit Mexico What do you call it when Russians get diarrhea from drinking water in Mexico? Trotsky’s Revenge

I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.