HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY First day of the week: brad pitt Last day of the week: homeless druggie

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

Rage against the machine is what I do when my candy bar gets stuck and won’t drop down.

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Why did Simba’s dad die? Because he didn’t Muv-fasta

My son was born without eye lids My son was born with out eye lids, so when they circumcised him they used his foreskin as new eye lids. He’s alright now, just a little cock-eyed

Does North Korea remember what happened the last time a country attacked Hawaii?

I hope my wife and children never learn the things that I have done for a Klondike Bar.

Remember back in the day when you’d call someone gay and it was an insult? Now a day, everybody is just so butthurt when you do…