Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you’re hot.

I popped into the library this morning and asked if there was any books on Facebook status jokes? The librarian said, “They’ve all been stolen.” “That’s the one.” I replied.

To commemorate the day. Knock Knock Who’s there? 9/11 9/11 who? You were supposed to never forget.

[at bar] Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone? Me: I peed my pants.

I wanted to make an impromptu joke. But I wasn’t ready.

Don’t hate the player, play the player. They never see that coming.

I’m sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar and change the lightbulb.

If this phone were really smart, it wouldn’t let me call people.

QUESTION: What is honeymoon? ANSWER: That brief span of time between “I do” and “You’d better!”