That shitty moment when you finally get comfy in bed then realize the lights are on.

I am trying to find my selfie image in iPhone 7 Until I remember I took that one with John Cena.

What did Mick Jagger say when he walked in on Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver? He said “Hey Hey Hugh Hugh Get Off Of McCould”

Adopt a Highway “When do you think it is a safe age to tell a highway it’s been adopted?”

I know a teen girl who can only think of numbers that follow the pattern 1+2x where x is a real whole number She can’t even…

Why do french doctors always book followup appointments? Because they have a knack for retreat-ing

How do you Think the Unthinkable? With an Itheburg.

Never hide regular cocaine in your butt Charges will get elevated to possession of crack cocaine

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago