When a pregnant woman swims she is literally a human submarine.

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey eats my roosters feet, what do I get? Two feet of cock up your ass.

Coworker: What’s your phone number? *looks up from phone* Me: I don’t have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker….

My neighbor is a micro biologist. I’ve never seen him.

On a scale of 1 to 100, how mature do you think you are? 69

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

I like my women like I like my coffee. Quiet and in a cup.

Why can’t an IT guy be a doctor? Nurse: Doctor, the patient’s life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

I’ve been seeing a lot of these lately, so here is mine. I like my steak like I like my women. White and domineering.