Got into a fight with an Egyptian. We were fez to fez.

What did one transition metal say to the other? Cu later!

What is Dracula’s pornstar name? Vlad the Impaler

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty? Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

What do you call Nazis undergoing decomposition? Necrotizing Fascists.

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich! Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

“That was mesmerizing!” I know another big word… huge.

Bill murray banged my mom and everyone chalked it up as yet another fun silly thing bill murray did but he destroyed my family

Why is it impossible to play UNO with Mexicans? Because they keep stealing all the green cards.