Saudi Arabia Where you can get caught with marijuana and still get stoned.

I just solved all my problems I just pretented it wasn’t happening, and I instantly felt better.

What is the hardest part about eating vegetables? The wheelchair.

Why can’t Mexico beat the US in the Olympics? Because all their runners, jumpers and swimmers are already here.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me* “ROAR” whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this “GROWL” hmm “SHOUT” hmmm “YELL” hmmmmm “HOLLER” oh its a thesaurus”

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

DATING TIP: Size does matter! Tell her how big your TV is.

How do you find a British person in a crowd? 1. Shout 0800 00 2. Wait for them to shout 1066.

Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome! Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi. Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*

I ran into my X the other day. Now I have to get my bicycle repaired.