My library charges me a dollar for every book I check out. It’s a paper-view.

Why did the psychic get fired? Because she didn’t see it coming.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

I don’t care how funny you are, if I don’t like you, I won’t laugh.

What’s a Grecian Urn? About 75 cents an hour.

So I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night… I should’ve put it on Aloha temperature.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron. But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

“Old Macdonald had a farm. Had.” -banks

What sort of soup do men make most often after sex? Split pee soup. (I made it up. I’m sorry.)