I like to go up to people I haven’t seen in ten years and say, “Was THIS your card?!”

A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks “Why the long face?” The horse replies “My alcoholism is tearing my family apart”

How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute? Go to England and buy something

My roomate was bragging about getting top comment of the week on theCHIVE. Yeah, I reddit.

I visited the new aviary everyone’s talking about but I think it’s for the birds.

Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.

Your mother is so ugly, that if she were the only girl in Texas… …the Lone Ranger would be lonely for a loooooooooooooooong time

How does a space class start a party? They planet!

I heard there’s a new movie coming out where an illegal immigrant turns vigilante and battles a child molester… They’re calling it Alien vs Predator.

How long does it take to cook a baby in the microwave? No clue. Too busy masturbating.