I can’t stand Italians and their slanty eyes… …no, wait, *italics*.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out. Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

I’ve always wondered why china have such a high population. Today I found out, their Condoms are made in China!

What I hate about pasta is how they change the shape and act like it’s a different food. I’m out to expose the fraud.

What do you call a pun in a marathon? A running joke

What are caterpillars afraid of? Doggerpillars.

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…

When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don’t even look like sister and brother.

What if they found the face of Jesus in a piece of toast but it was *actually* Jesus? “This is my body, I’m nice with jam.”

Astronaut Scott Kelly recently came back from the International Space Station and did an interview. Wow, he’s such an amazing person, he’s really down to earth.