Why did the Boeing 747 crash into an orphanage? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread!

I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert… …headlined by the Black Eyed Peas

What’s the most commonly misspelt blood group? Type-O

Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.

Doctor Doctor I think I’m a rubber band Why don’t you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let’s go ride bikes!

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

A slut’s prayer: As I lay down with this creep, I pray he sticks it in real deep, If he comes before I do, I’ll have to f*ck his best friend too.

if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them

What’s the most confusing compliment to give a woman in her 40’s? If you had a daughter, I’d fuck her.