Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital? *The ultrasound guy.* Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy’s off? *The hip replacement guy.*

An even cornier joke One stalk of corn said to the other stalk of corn, “Hey, can I tell you something?” The other stalk of corn said, “I’m all ears.”

Fruit: often disappointing. Salad: always disappointing. Fruit salad: meets expectations.

I love the study of languages, and am very keen in my analysis: I am a cunning linguist 😉

I am not sure NSFW should apply here, because I am not convinced any one on twitter actually fucking works.

Being politically correct sucks. I can’t even say “black paint” anymore. Now I have to say, “hey Jamal would you please go paint that fence over there?”

Forgive me for this one A German soldier who loves animals can’t decide what to do after WWII. His friend says, Otto, it’s easy to figure out. You’re a Veteran Aryan.

French bakers hate me… …I feel their pain.

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion 1) Be kind to other people. 2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!