You know what amazes me? A maze.

A man starts having a heart attack mid flight… Person: Is anyone here a doctor? Vegan: I’m a vegan

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. If engineered correctly.

Life has never given me lemons It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

I like my women like i like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.

Me: *breathes” My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

Why do hamburgers make good baseball players? They’re great at the plate!