How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit… rotates to revolves

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

How much for the mirror? Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

HOW TO BEAT YOUR COMPUTER AT CHESS WITHIN 5 SECONDS: just set the difficulty to OBAMA.It will never come up with a strategy.

Why did the bait-shop owner take an apprentice ? He wanted to be a master-baiter.

[1st date] WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss? HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table* DRACULA: *just glares at her*

I married a European chess master. He’s my Czech mate.

A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought… “Some asshole’s got my pen”

What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on? A Perch!

Crap. They didn’t cancel this morning’s meeting. I wore my suit to bed inside out for nothing.