I like Gila monsters because they’re willing to admit they’re monsters, unlike giraffes

ME: “Whoa. Put a combo on that meat locker.” HIM: “Huh?” ME: “Your fly is down, idiot.”

If billionaires were allowed to influence the results on American Idol instead of American elections, there would be rioting in the streets.

Why did God kick Joe Paterno out of Heaven? ….because he picked Michael Jackson as his new assistant coach.

Why do women wear makeup and perfume? because they are ugly and they smell bad

We Found Love in a Swollen Face Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

My friend called me a pedophile today. I corrected him, told him I’m actually a hebephile. He said, “you’re just splitting hairs” I said, “now you see the difference”.

What’s the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut? About two weeks.

Beer: When are you coming home. Me: Right away honey. See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

What is an electrician’s favorite vehicle? A Voltswagen