Did you hear about the woman who drowned in semen? She had it coming.

What did one priest say to the other priest? “Do you know where my son is?” “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I’m a necrophiliac.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday. one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

I won’t say she’s a cunt, but she has a certain je ne sais twat.

Countries.. We used to have empires ruled by emperors. We used to have kingdoms ruled by kings. Now we have countries.

Greek mythology is my Achilles ankle.

Dad: Why do you smell like weed? Me: How do you know what weed smells like?! Busted, mister! You’re grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy 🙁

What do you call people who immigrate to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners

Bought some gary speed wallpaper last night, its amazing! it hung itself!

What did the dog say when he bit the sandpaper? Nothing. He just grit his teeth.