Jesus is a deadbeat dad Said he’d be coming back soon 2000 years ago and we’re still waiting.

Why is diabetes like a fumble recovery? Because you didn’t know they had it.

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

I’ve been married a long time, but I bet first dates are still the same. Lots of awkward arguments about Reaganomics.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a c**t.

whats Hitlers relationship status… He’s Nazing anybody

Where does a vampire go to buy his sheets and towels? Bloodbath&Beyond

I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.

[in car with wife] “did you take $20 from my purse?” *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew Guy at next urinal: Please stop