If you’re 17 and your 200 year old lover won’t turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he’s just not that into you.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

What do you call a bunch of high Mexicans? Baked Beans

Do you guys like presents? Here I am!

Have you heard my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy

A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁

I wanted to start a business selling soap art, but soapart.com was already taken by a support group for divorcees.

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? You didn’t hear? It made headlines!

Give a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. Credit: Philip J. Fry

Offering the floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently not ok.