My friends were deciding how much alcohol to get… One of them wanted one fifth and another one wanted to get five fifths. We decided on a 3/5ths compromise.

If anyone’s seen me at my best, and seen me at my worse, and still accepts me for who I am, it’s definitely the liquor store.

My favorite worst joke ever Two guys walk into a bar. One guy says, “Hey, Frank… I’m not feeling so good…” Then he falls to the ground, and he DIES! *Ehhhhhhh????*

Why did Katie Holmes divorce Tom Cruise? She heard he was in a few good men.

King George. One day George is going to be king, thats not bad going for some one who started at Asda.

What do you call it when you keep wiping but brown still shows? The Trail of Smears

Junkie grandson : Grandma,grandma did you see my pills I left on the table ? Grandma: F*ck the pills,did you see those dragons in the kitchen ?

Why are tennis equipment factories so loud? Because everyone’s making a racket.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? Dad.

What do you call a mexican midget? a paragraph, because he’s too short to be an essay.