I was lost in the desert, out in the distance I thought I saw Nicki Minaj, when I ran up to her… She ended up being a Nicki Mirage

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Throwing acid is wrong In some people’s eyes…

What did the band director say to the misbehaving kid? You’re in treble mister!

Why do men want to marry a virgin? To avoid criticism and comparison.

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more “Missing in Action” sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie but there are just too many holes in the plot.

Now boarding… Two vultures board an airplane each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Did you guys hear about the gay truckers? They traded loads