Good thing the silica gel packet that came with my shoes was marked “DO NOT EAT”. I assume all new shoes come with snacks.

Wanna hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it’s too cheesy.

What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain’s log.

“How did your grammar competition go?” I losed

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

What kind of dish does LeBron like? anything with curry in it.

a short fortune teller escaped from prison she’s now a small medium at large

My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.

Why do they call him shitman? His name is steven hitman

My grandad has the heart of a lion… …and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo