What do you give a deer with an upset stomach? Elkaseltzer.

What body of water separates Italy from the word ‘goodbye’? River Derci. Sorry.

Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

If we eliminated, “Is your car running ok?” from our conversations, my dad and I would never speak.

what do you call it if you spend all of your money on pokeballs and lure modules on Pokemon go? Brokemon (shit jokemon)

Atheism… is a non-prophet organization.

This steak is so black. . . It stole my car

A crazy looking girl threatened to punch me because I kept playing Taylor Swift on the Jukebox. I knew she was Trouble when she walked in.

How did Brandon Lee’s wife get pregnant? The prop guy said he was shooting blanks!

What do you call two Egyptians who’ve farted at the same time? Tutankhamun.