It’s with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle. She tried putting batteries in it.

Hey balloon animal guys, there are other dog breeds besides “dachshund” and other jobs besides “balloon animal guy”

Always remember that the key to a happy marriage is to use those three magic words. You’re right dear.

I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut

Why do people at Disneyland hate coke heads? They’re always cutting lines

I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.

Why don’t lobsters like to share? Because they’re “shellfish”

Ever have one of those days where you just don’t feel like being at work? I’ve been having one of those days for two fucking years now.

What do Buddhist monks have for breakfast? ‘Ommm’ lettes!

What do you call a flying turtle? A shellicopter.