How do lesbians keep things interesting in the bedroom? They think outside the box.

Wife asks his husband how many women he had slept with… Husband proudly replies, “Only you darling!” “With the others I was awake…”

Why can’t I trust my Walmart calculator? It’s always 7% off.

Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven’t left your couch since 2011.

Therapist: What’s the problem? Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

What’s the difference between a muffin and a jew? a muffin doesn’t scream when you put it in an oven.

I don’t really know how to tell jokes

Politicians only kiss babies because it might be theirs.

What do you call a Chinese man with one foot? Taiwon Shou.

Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest