Why are there so many body shops in heaven? Abortion.

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary *Bloody Mary appears* ME: I’m moving today and need your help BLOODY MARY: Shit

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? “What kind of answer did you have in mind?” Two one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said

Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long. Me : you been talking to my wife bro?

How many dicks do you have to suck before you know you’re gay? Three, two for fun and one just to make sure.

A black guy and a mexican are in a car, who’s driving? The police

Why won’t the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage? She’s afraid they’ll bring down the house.

Nothing enrages me more than a pop-up ad that MOVES SO YOU CAN’T CLICK THE X.

Why did the airplane fall out of the sky? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread