What kind of hair do oceans have? …Wavy hair.

Why did the vulture have to check some luggage at the gate? It was only allowed one piece of carrion.

Similes are like as holes.

What do you call a traitor with a lisp? Judith

Breakfast Bacon, Eggs, and Toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here.”

The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch. I was naked. She was afraid. I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain? Oh. So it’s you then.

I’ve never been booed off stage. I’ve never been booed off stage! Sure, I’ve been booed on stage plenty of times… but never off stage. In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.

Staring deeply into the abyss. Paralyzed by fear. Unable to move, let alone function. In short, yes, Pandora. I’m still listening.