My life is an open book. But it’s very poorly written and I die in the end.

How did the farmhand get a job at reddit? He put “excellent reposter” on his resume.

What’s the difference between a penis and a paycheck? A woman will always blow your paycheck

John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.

(really fucked up joke) How do you say happiness in German? Auschwitz

Two dogs are standing beside a road… The first one goes, “woof”, the second says, “knock it off! That’s all you said yesterday.”

Q: Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school? A: Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

My biologist girlfriend was making competent cells at the lab today… I asked if they were very sure of them cells.

A man walks into a bar… Then he said ouch.