Describe yourself in three words. Lazy.

Whats the difference between a duck? One of its legs are both the same.

I’m starting a new Egyptian fraternity, would you like to join? It’s called Delta Delta Delta.

Hope you guys like this, it’s been a tough day. I bought a pair of sneakers from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day. 🙁

I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.

I used to hate my job moving air around… But now I’m a big fan.

Did you hear about the gay turtle? Finally came out of it’s shell.

Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).

How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull? Marry her !

What did constipated Yoda say to his fecal impaction? “I shit you not.”