Last night I was laying in bed, looking at the stars… And then I wondered, Where the fuck did my roof go?

What do you do if a 4 year old girl catches you masturbating? Untie her

Why did the condom hit the wall? Because it was pissed off

Is William Shatner the past version of William Shitner?

Why don’t they call the Batman film “The White Knight” instead of “The Dark Knight”? Because no one would care that he died.

Where is Victoria working now? In the kitchen.

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR… CLAUSTROPHOBIC MAN (runs into a phone booth) (runs out, crying) no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no n-

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day Teach him to fish and you get rid of him during weekends.

Google just called, they want to put a camera on your mom… … they heard she makes it around the block faster than their street view cars.

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.