A twelve year old girl finishes her bath in the Atlantic. She goes to her eight year old sister and starts a fight with her. And thus we have Ocean’s Twelve vs. Hateful Eight.

If you’re American when you go into the toilet, and Asian when you come out, what are you on the toilet? European!

There’s two things I hate. Hypocrisy and condescension. Do you understand what I mean?

A man walks in on his wife, an English professor, having sex with his buddy. Honey! How could you! Well.. I’m surprised! She responds: *I’m* surprised. *you* are *astonished*.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”. I thought you said “Face punch me”.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market – T2 Barbie …a study in silver

I wish “it’s the thought that counts” worked for housework.

Did you hear the one about the dead guy? Neither did he

irony – Using words to mean the opposite of their literal meaning. ironey – Made of iron.

My daughter wanted to be a princess… …so I got divorced, married a horrible woman with three ugly kids, and left them all to it.