I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.

“I’M SO FUCKING WET!” She screamed… “GIVE IT TO ME!” Alas, she can scream all she wants, but I’m not giving her the umbrella.

Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs? Jason’s Doner-Van

Why is it called finding nemo? been wondering for years

If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.

When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning. I take the path of least resistance.

The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.

Doctor doctor I keep thinking I’m a spoon. Sit there and don’t stir.

My all time favorite lawyer joke. Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers? A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

It must suck when a billionaire… Wakes up feeling like a million bucks.