How does a viola greet a relative? Cello!

Next time someone asks you how you slept, close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

Read in a Forrest Gump voice. My mother always told me life is like a jar of jelly beans.Everbody hates the black ones. (I know this is a terrible joke, my friend told it to me.

What did the Nazi say… What did the Nazi say when he got lost on the way to the gas chamber? AUU-SCHWIT

Why was the OCD race car driver so fast? Because he had anal prolapse.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

Hey gurl, are you an inaccurate answer? Because that is one-significant-figure

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

A photon walked into a hotel. The clerk asked it it would like a hand with it’s luggage… “No thank-you”, said the photon, “I’m travelling light”.

Dear Mom and Dad, if you can read this tweet, Congratulations!!! it’s time for lesson number 10.