I’d love to get myself a job inspecting mirrors! I could really see myself doing that.

How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright? Shine a torch in her ear!

Watching a documentary is the leading cause of being unbearable in conversations for a week.

What do you get when you travel a long way with a kung fun hero, and breathe heavily next to a guy named Russ? Miley Cyrus.

How to tell if you’re girlfriend is TOO fat. When she sits on your face and you can’t hear your stereo any more.

*someone hands me a baby* Oh… no thank you *places baby on the ground*

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? *shrug* elephino.

I broke my finger today but on the other hand I am completely fine

Paddy and Murphy walk into a bar… Hand in hand

Some people are very down to earth… You know, midgets.