… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

I just got a new job working for R.E.M. . . . I’m expecting a generous Michael Stipend.

Why did the lone dolphin stop swimming? He didn’t see a porpoise…

Autocorrect just changed “what are your plans” to “plants”. Yes autocorrect, I’m curious if they’re growing roses or sunflowers?

One. How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bart ! Bart who ? Bart-enders serve drinks !

What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub? The landlord said “Sorry we don’t serve spirits.”

I don’t like holocaust jokes …because my grandpa died in the holocaust. He fell off a guard tower.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Whats the difference between Harambe and a African child? People give a shit about Harambe