*puts on shirt* *shirt rips because of my muscles* *gets yelled at for ruining 5yo’s shirt*

I fainted at an Indian restaurant when I found out that R.E.M had split up That’s me in the korma.

Why did the toilet make a joke about the balls? It was low hanging fruit.

If rain is God’s tears What is snow?

Why is Pharrell Williams happy? Because he “got lucky”.

Her dad said he’d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.

I went to the zoo yesterday, but the only animal they had was a small dog. It was a shih-tzu.

My husband is like Santa Claus He’s old, fat, and comes once in a year.

Types of people There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary, and those who don’t, and those who weren’t expecting a base-3 joke.

Why was the Energizer Bunny jailed? On charges of battery.