What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian’s breasts and butt cheeks? Silicon Valley. [Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6bld/kim_kardashians_butt/)

Birthdays…. … are good for health. Studied have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer

A Jewish boy asks his Father… A Jewish boy asks his Father, “Dad, can i have 50 pence please? His Father replies, “40 pence! What do you want 30 pence for?”

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

Todays stats: My 3yr old got pissed off with me because I couldn’t stop the wind.

When Kelis sang about her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard… …do you suppose she was referring to her dairy-ere?

When everyone around you is an ahole you’ve gotta stop, take a long look at you & accept how awesome you are dead center in ahole land.

So my neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… Who knocks on doors at three in the morning? It’s so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Dr. Frankenstein: The original body-builder!