How do you get 4 old ladies to yell “Shit!”? Get a 5th old lady to yell “Bingo!”

Blonde: Doctor, it hurts everywhere I touch. Doctor: You have a broken finger.

I spent most of my money on beer and women. The rest I just wasted.

Woman across from me will NOT shut up about her where she works. Ugh, I hate job interviews.

Today’s the 3rd anniversary of my joining Twitter. Also the 3rd anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?” Me: “Yup.” Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??” Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”

When Mr. Maxwell’s wife left him he couldn’t sleep. “She took the bed!”

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation? ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’ F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.