How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change? Nyet long. He’s always Russian.

What is the similarity between a psychologist and a prostitute? They both take your money for stuff a good friend would do for free, however they are better at it.

What makes cheerleaders nervous? Being late

There was a bad accident involving a funeral procession the other day. It was terrible! The toll was four injured, one dead.

My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess So I put her into the back of a Mercedes and drove her into a wall.

“Keith Moon was Nuts” Another insightful nugget of trivia from Opie. Oh you means the rock drummer that put fish and explosives in his drums was “nuts”?

Fred: I got 100 in school today. Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in? Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add !

Bill Cosby and Steve Harvey walk into a bar… (complete the damn thing)

A black man goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder… The bartender looks at the parrot and says, “Wow! That’s a beauty. Where’d you get him?” The parrot replies, “Africa”.

What do you call a happy prosecutor? Smiles Edgeworth.