My kitten is probably the most playful creature on the planet, but it’s less cute when you realize it’s all just bird murder practice.

(Ad for a baby) gently used can’t even kill you doesn’t shed poops on a learning curve goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

How do you open a banana safe? With a monkey. ^^^^I’ll ^^^^see ^^^^my ^^^^way ^^^^out.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

I gave my sister away at her wedding. I stood up & shouted “SHE USED TO BE A MAN!”

There’s a new TV drama coming out starring Saddam Hussein it’s going to be called “Soap on a Rope”

My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already.

“The tension between Uranus… and Pluto hat has been there since June of 2012 will finally ease up”, Astrologist say.

How do you make a hormone? Don’t tip her.

A blind girl was giving me a handjob last night….. and said “this is the biggest cock I’ve ever felt in my hand.” I said “Nah you’re just pulling my leg.”