I had to stop eating alphabet soup. I kept developing a vowel blockage.

Chuck Norris’s daughter lost her virginity, he got it back

Action Dan here, so I read a book on Stockholm syndrome. I didn’t like it at first but I have to finish a book I start, by the end I was really into it.

You ever watch a really stupid person for like 10 mins and wonder how they haven’t been hit by a train or carried off by a giant eagle yet?

Roses are red, Roses are blue, Roses are white, Genetics.

I’m not an alcoholic… My liver is evil and it must be destroyed.

I’m not making any resolutions this year because I’m still working on the ones from 2003.

origami is a great idea on paper, but in reality folding a swan will kill it.

I keep a sandwich in a holster strapped to my ankle for emergencies… It’s a “below knee sandwich”

I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma. They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life