My doctor prescribed me some anti-gloating cream… Now all I want to do is rub it in.

My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.

There’s a couple flies in my room… I’m trying to sleep and they’re bugging me.

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus.

What’s Trumps favourite super market? Walmart.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was a repost.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

What is the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

What do you call two doctors with colds? An ironic paradox.

The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong’s interview is the Tour de France.