“I’ll have what she’s having.” ” Sir, this is a gynecolo-” “Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”

Everytime someone cuts me off in traffic, an angel gets its wings Because I’m going to kill a motherfucker.

I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.

Why are quantum physicists so bad at sex? Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.

A good day for a bad boy is talking a good girl into a bad decision.

Did you hear about the angry pancake!? Well one day he ***flipped***!!!

My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

And Jesus said unto his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross. Don’t touch my fucking Easter eggs, i’ll be back on Monday.

Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.

My roommate said I might be schizophrenic. But what does he know I don’t even have a roommate.