Why do orphans go to church? It’s the only place they can call someone “father”.

What do you get if you cross a 20-year-old man, and 37 steak knives? 25 years in prison

It takes a village to raise a child… …it takes a child with a flamethrower to raze a village.

1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.” “Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”

I just took a huge shit. I don’t know who it belongs to, but I took it.

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I’ve got this neat candle holder…

Jajajajajajaja is either a Mexican laughing or a German having sex.

[bum holds his hand out] “can I have some change?” change comes from within “thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans? Nothing this big stays secret. Just Google them. There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian. That’s what most Christians do anyways.